From my eyes…

It happened last night. Our first fight. I got mad about something stupid and took it out on Mike even though it wasn’t that exact instance, but a combination of instances that made me angry. And it was bad timing, oh was it bad timing. He was sick (like don’t get too far from a toilet sick) and I started to gripe about how he never wants to do anything I suggest - this particular night it was go to the bar with co-workers. It was an ugly, silent ride to my house from his (because I had insisted that he take me to my car so I could go out without out him). And it was quick kiss and hurried good-bye ( that I felt bad about later ). I of course called my best friend to bitch. And then my mom. And then my best friend again. I thought for sure he’d have text messaged or called me on his way home, but he was mad too and didn’t bother - which just made me more upset. Then we didn’t talk until this afternoon. Sigh. It was a long angry/sad day, but now it is over. And we have survived our first fight. We both expressed our feelings, apologized and mentioned how it could be better in the future when each of us feels like this. I am happy now (it has nothing to do with the two glasses of wine). And feel super positive about the fact that we talked this through without giving up. It makes the future a little brighter knowing that I don’t have to shelter anything from him and that I can assume we’ll talk things out. A healthy relationship. Can it be?

I already know the answer to my question, and it’s time. Time will bring balance to the new chaos in my life. Unfortunately, I am a doer and I don’t like to wait for time. I want to find balance NOW! I am loving having a man in my life and I like the giddy feeelings I get when I know he is almost home from work and going to spend time with me, but I don’t like that things that are important to me are getting pushed to the side for the time being.

I knew this would happen. It was part of my fear of being single for so long - that I would be set in my ways and not have room for someone else. Well, I am making room, but I feel a little sad that certain things that make me feel good(walking the dog, scrapbooking, laundry, reading, taking pictures, blogging, etc) are being replaced by laying on the couch talking about my day.

I get that I am choosing to abandon my hobbies to spend time with Mike. And that is really what I want to be doing right now, but I’m afraid if I don’t find time for both soon I’ll forget about old stuff that made me happy and I don’t want to do that. 

I know it’s just one of the things that one goes through in starting a new relationship. I just wish it were easier. Starting Monday, I am going back to setting my alarm and I’m going to do all the solo things that make me happy while Mike is at work. I’m getting on a schedule. Maybe this plan will help time bring the balance a little faster.

Yes, I am well aware that “pissedom” is not a word, but it accurately describes the split second reaction (ok not split second or it wouldn’t have provoked me to write this post, but whatever.) I had to a recent email I received. I was not upset at the sender, nor was I upset at the content. So, what may you ask, was the moment of being pissed all about? I’m not sure really. I think it comes from the petty princess attitude the last 15 years of my life in luxurious AZ have bred into me. The attitude I’ve adopted that says I should have all things I want at all times and if for some dreadful reason I don’t, then I should rightfully be allowed to pout until I get my way. Honestly, I am not in the least bit spoiled, nor was I raised a brat, but as I get older (ok it’s not so much the age thing it is my choice of MTV programming) I seem to be growing into some kind of Hollywood wannabe. Anyway…the email I got said that my ex - long ago ex mind you, not anything recent and, I think, 2 boyfriends ago for me - had gotten a girl’s number at a holiday party. Fine. In all truth I don’t care anything about what goes on in his dating life or when, or who….oh wait, but yes I do. I care about the “who” - bringing on the “pissedom” that I experienced. Why does it have to be the number he got belongs to someone who grew up with three of my closest friends!? No, I don’t know her. I mean I know her, but not really at all. That’s not the point!! The point is my exes - all of them, including the ones I wasn’t in love with and the ones I broke up with -  are not allowed to date, converse with or express any other interest in any girl (I think boys would be ok with me) that I know, knew, or could possibly ever cross paths with. That is what it’s about.
~Princess K